#13: Things Moms-to-be don’t want to hear
I have said a lot of dumb stuff in my life and about 99% of it was when my wife was pregnant
Hi friends, 8 days until Christmas and I’ve tried to write this week’s newsletter like 14 times. I started with what you’re reading below, then switched to something a little more serious, discussing what a gigantic asshole our 5 year old has become this month. Then I switched back to this because writing humor is almost like therapy for me. But a lot cheaper. I think next week I will resume the “Kids are assholes” write up but hopefully with a cheerful ending and not me wondering why I had children when I could be sitting on a beach in Mexico instead.
When a couple finds out they’re having a baby, their future is forever altered. There will be birthdays and proms and first dates and broken arms and all that shit. But it’s distant. You know it’s out there but those first few days (months? years?) of parenthood are a bit like driving in the fog. You know a destination is out here. You just can’t really see it.
But the present? The present for expecting parents is so totally different. Moms go through a radical transformation both mentally and physically. It’s an evolution that is beautiful and awe inspiring as they grow an entire ass human being in the same place that I usually park a bucket of hot wings and some coors lights (ok, maybe my command of human anatomy isn’t *that* strong). These experiences in the first 9 or 10 months could not be more different for the future mom and dad.
It’s with this in mind that with some assistance from Megan I have compiled this list of extremely dumb shit I said to her while she was pregnant with our kids.
I slept great last night
You never, ever, ever roll over to your significant other, the woman who is carrying a 6 or 7 or 8 pound butterball in her abdomen where, mere months earlier no other life form was cohabitating with her, and say “damn, I slept great last night”. I did that a few times and by the end of each pregnancy I was pretty sure Megan had a shank stored under the pillow ready to jab me in the side next time I mentioned how well I slept.
I think I’m hungover
I had planned an act of solidarity when we were expecting out first. No, I was not going to carry around a 20 pound frozen turkey in a backpack on my chest for 10 months to simulate pregnancy. I was going to go without alcohol to prove to my wife that we were in this together. That we were a TEAM!
This lasted approximately 6 days.
First things first though: I am not an alcoholic (do all alcoholics say that?). I do no-drink-January every 5 years thank you very much. And I was ready to knuckle down and be right there with Megan, abstaining from alcohol and sushi and delicious deli ham and whatever the hell else they tell women not to eat when they’re expecting. But we found out we were expecting at Christmas! And who is capable of avoiding alcohol at Christmas! There are parties and family and more parties and more family and really, do I want to be sober for all that? Not really. So I folded like a cheap card table. And I drank. And a time or two I drank too much, bemoaning my hangover and my inability to do anything substantive. Each time Megan, calm and cool, slowly looked at me and said nothing. Absolutely nothing. But her eyes, her burning eyes said everything. It said “shut up Muehleman. Shut. Up. Or I will kill you”.
My back hurts
“My back always hurts motherf’er” Megan yelled at me when we were rolling around DC in her 8th month of pregnancy. Now let me be clear: going to hot ass DC in July to do a bunch of walking around while she was in her 3rd trimester was NOT MY IDEA. We can blame Megan’s sister Christy for this one. At the time we lived in Atlanta and Christy outside of Seattle. A great idea was born that we would all meet in DC to do some sightseeing. Christy would bring her teenage boys and Megan and I would bring our unborn child.
Have you ever walked around Washington DC in July? It’s like walking around inside a sauna that never really turns off. Add to this staying in an AirBnb that had the single most uncomfortable bed I have ever slept on (basically a pullout, double bed sized cot) and you have a recipe for discomfort for anyone. Let alone a pregnant lady.
The crowning achievement to this trip was the flight home. DC is only about 90 minutes by plane from ATL but of course by the time we boarded, Megan was beginning to wonder if she was either A) in Labor or B) having her spine removed with a toothpick. We then sat on the tarmac for 2 hours while they dealt with mechanical difficulties. I believe that this is when I muttered “man my back hurts”. I will never say those words again.
Why are you always crying
I like to think I’m a sensitive man, keenly aware of the emotions of my significant other. But pregnancy creates a hormone cocktail that would cripple weak ass men like me. You end up with a lot of spontaneous crying, both good and bad. Usually it’s tears of elation — “we’re having a baby!” Sometimes it’s tears of sadness and confusion — “we’re having a baby?” And sometimes it’s a little bit of both -- “I’m having a baby — with you?!?”. Just ride it out dudes. It’s normal.
Fellas, if your partner is expecting or soon to be expecting, read this, mark these things down on paper, and do your best not to mention them until your baby is around 2 years old.